ooh I take that back

so I didn't make it into the program. And I'm scared out of my mind. Where did brave Courtney from last night go?

oh life, you boggle my brain

Have you ever lost touch with a friend and desperately tried to find them again? I'm in that spot. I've looked through our old letters trying to find an email address (which no longer worked), tried to ask some old mutual friends about where she was, and now I'm about to call everyone in the phone book with her last name (luckily there's only ten people in Sacramento whose last name is the same).

And I don't know why. Why would I be so desperate to find her? My only conclusion to that question is maybe because my boss and I were talking this weekend about how when she was my age she had a daughter and her husband had left her, and everyone was trying to tell her how to live her life so she took her baby and up and moved to Hawaii for five years. Then she started talking about her old friend and the trouble they had gotten into the first time she had ever visited the islands. How they must have locked themselves out of their hotel room four times and how they threw fireworks from their balcony. And then she told me how she hadn't thought of that friend in years and how she wondered where that friend was now. Her stories made me think about my old friend who I haven't seen or heard from in three years, and ever since I've had this desperate desire to find her and rekindle that friendship. Because 40 years from now I don't want to wonder where she is or what her life ended up like. I want to know.

It was funny reading through some of our old notes. We had code names for everyone and the most confusing ones were "you know who" and "you know who number 2." I had forgotten about how we had huge crushes on these two boys and that we called them Ned and Bert. And then I found a cootie catcher she had made for me. Remember those? The paper expertly folded with colors on the outside, numbers on the inside, and then your fortune under those numbers? Well she hit a few of those fortunes on the head, one being "you will study abroad in college and see the world" and my most recent worry "you will never be the crazy cat lady." I'm hoping that since fortune 1 is right that hopefully fortune 2 is right as well.

You know, I do worry about that. I'm 22 and I've never had a boyfriend. Which in the grand scheme of things isn't all that bad, but I'm really tired of being lonely. I want to know that someone wants to be around me all the time, that someone thinks I'm beautiful and intriguing. I want someone to surprise me when I get off of work or to call just to hear my voice. I want someone to share secret glances with. Sometimes I just feel a little pathetic. And a little sick of being the bridesmaid. But where do you go to meet a guy? It seems like all the guys at my church are married, and although I see plenty of good looking guys while I'm walking through school, they never seem to be in the same classes as me!

Speaking of school and classes. I've been working hard the past year to get into the graphic design program at school. Last week I turned in my portfolio and this week I'll hear if I made it in. It's a pretty competitive program, there are over a hundred applicants and only forty make it in. So my odds aren't good. But you know what? I feel pretty calm about it. Not calm as in cocky, because I really have no idea if I'll make it in. But calm as in whatever happens, happens. Which I probably shouldn't be seeing as how if I don't make it, I'll have to wait an entire year before I can apply again. But I don't know if I would reapply. I know it's bad, but I almost hope I don't make it in. If I don't make it in, I have no backup plan. I haven't the slightest idea what I'll do. And that's pretty exciting and exhilerating, don't you think? Scary too, but I'll just have to push the fear aside. I mean, I would have NO PLAN. I don't know if I've ever not had a backup plan. And I think that would push me to live outside of my comfort zone and take advantage of being a single 22 year old woman who has nothing tying her down. It would be perfect! I just feel like the only reason I want to get into the program is to feel secure, like I'm moving on with my life, growing up, and not wasting my parent's tuition money. Which are all good things. But what if there's something out there that's better than those good things? What if I'm made for more than all that and I just haven't had the chance to see it yet?

Last weekend, I went back to Paris to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. I don't know what it is about Paris, or anyplace other than home really, that puts me in my element. I mean, I feel like last weekend, I was more myself than I have been in a long time. And happier too. I got along with everyone at the wedding, even though I hadn't known them prior, and they loved me! ME! That's the thing, they loved me, and the me they were loving was the real me, authentic Courtney. I want to feel that way again. And always.

So, enough ranting and complaining WAY to much about my personal life. You want to know something good to end this? Tonight I put on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in months, put my hand in the pocket a few hours later and pulled out a nicely folded twenty.

Aaah life and it's kind surprises.

oh Paris

how I love thee.



Hopefully I'll post more photos later but here's a taste of my bridesmaids-ness. The wedding was at the Rodin Museum and it was absolutely beautiful, but more importantly, Taylor was one of the most stunning brides I've seen in quite some time. I'm so glad that I got to be apart of her day!

I wish I knew

1. what was so funny
2. why we don't laugh together like this very often anymore
3. why my arms are missing

see look. I'm not conceited.

Some old some new. Nothing borrowed. Pretty sure nothing blue.
(oh boy am I in wedding mode or what)
Just some old portraits of people I love.

That's my friend Taylor above. The one getting married (among many). It was one of my studio shots that I didn't end up using but loved. This photograph makes me happy.




This is Karen. She's one day older than me. One of my first attempts at color film back in 2006 or something. We snuck into a fancy restaurant's back patio.




LJ. By far one of the coolest 2 year olds. We played pretend swords complete with sound effects. As he would say (as he is stabbing me in the knee cap)- "yaaw!"




My brother Kyle. Can't you just feel the love radiate?




It's funny. Even though high school was four years ago and when we hang out there's never any other Katies anymore, I still call her Katie A. Studio shoot fall of 07.




Paige has got the most adorable unguarded smile I've come across. This snapshot makes me happy too.

self portrait

I hope this doesn't come across as conceited, but I like to take self portraits. Not because I think I'm great looking (trust me, that's not the case), it's just that I love taking photos of people. But sometimes it's hard getting someone to open up and really feel comfortable in front of my lens. That's something I'm working on. So until I can get someone to do that, I'll just practice on myself! If anyone has some tips on working with people, I'd totally appreciate it.

here comes the bride

and she'll be walking down 2 more aisles. Okay- here's the scoop. One of my very best friends is getting married in Paris. In two weeks! But her marriage license would not be okay in the good ol' US of A if the legal I do's were held in France. So yesterday we headed over to the County Clerks office for a small ceremony- so now she is officially an old married woman. However, that's really only in the law's eyes. Because she and her main squeeze (by the way, why do they say "main squeeze"? I mean, if there's a "main" squeeze there must be a secondary squeeze. And that's just not okay in my book) are going to have an amazingly beautiful wedding in Paris, the city of light and love and that is when the marital bliss begins. THEN a month later... she's holding a ceremony back home for her family and friends who couldn't make it out to Paris. I'm pretty sure this is the most dragged out wedding ever. And I cannot wait!!! I will most definitely be posting some of photos after the wedding. Here's a few from last night!


bride & groom


mother of the bride & beaming bride


those county clerks. They tried to add some ambience. Bless their pea pickin' hearts.


we make a fabulous pair of friends.

down with Easter

Like every other 22 year old college student, I have a facebook. And I read the status updates. Today my friend said "I celebrate bunnies, not Jesus." Which is funny, because a few days ago my dad killed a few cottontails.

And they're still dead.

Why would you celebrate something that hasn't risen from the dead when you could celebrate Jesus, who did?

hmm....

That said, here's a few snaps I took today!


Grandma's old clock, I'm sure if you took it down you'd find the original color of her walls in it's place. It's been there for-ev-er.


Even though she's just shy of 89, Grandma still likes to get out and garden.


Some dog in Gma's back yard.


I told Grandma her sweet peas smelled good. Next thing I know she's cutting me a bouquet to take home.


Aaah. I love how flowers can brighten up the corners of my room.

CAN. NOT.

WAIT.

One of my best friends is getting married in Paris in less than a month. Paris! My city. And I get to be a bridesmaid.

I am SOOO lucky. Watch out Rue de la Huchette. I'm coming back and eating all your crepes.

sometimes looking back can be

depressing and then eye-opening. Last year was definitely the best year of my life thus far. Earlier, I realized that a year ago today I was landing in Marrakech, Morocco and was embarking on one of the craziest adventures ever. A few highlights:

-getting lost countless times in the medina
-my friend getting bit by a gypsy monkey
-getting my first massage ever by a strange Moroccan man in a dark room (okay, that was just uncomfortable)
-going for a camel ride
-being called a Spice Girl by all the locals
-eating unidentifiable foods
-crazy taxi rides
-amazing flea markets
-the same man who would pop up every time we got lost. He'd just show up out of nowhere and guide us in the right direction, pretty awesome.



I mean, I leave that life and come home to living with my parents, which isn't all that bad, but not near as exciting. Depressing, right?

But then I think- why does last year have to be the best year? Isn't that up to me? Why can't this year be the best year? So I've decided that from now on out, every year is going to be the best year thus far of my life, because it's up to me to top every last year I've ever had. And I am so insanely stoked to do that. But I'm running out of time because almost half the year is gone.

Oh snap!

yesterday

My parents and I made a trek to the Alameda Flea Market just outside of San Francisco. Six hours later I left with a pretty chalkboard, shell coasters, the letter "n", an old key, a few old photos, flour containers, and a triangle shaped sunburn on the left side of my forehead. Thanks bangs.

I love to make

birthday cards. I made this one last year but it's still one of my favorites.

I usually make birthday cards for my coworkers that everyone ends up signing, so there's usually no message and I keep it simple by giving a lot of space so everyone has room to write. This one was for my cousin Robby.