Things you have not been informed of
I'm awkward to begin with. Throw food into the picture and things get slightly embarrassing. I may have missed my mouth and hit my cheek when I tried to eat some fries. Thought "if I drink this Jameson and ginger I'll calm down. But how do I get the drink to my mouth without my shaky hand spilling it everywhere?!" I'm lucky it didn't dribble down my chin.
Now throw a man in there and things just get ugly. Then have that man ask me fifteen minutes into the date how many children I want and what my political and religious views are and every single question under the sun that should wait to present itself wayyyy after fifteen minutes. Then you'll have me informing him that my father is a conservative man who lives on a large property and owns many guns. He also, might I add, is very handy with a shovel.
Oh yes. I did say that. And he still wanted to go out again. Demented, this man. I chose to not accept his second date invitation. Which has been a little awkward when I see him around work...
Three to be exact. Four if you count the mental scar. My brain is still healing from having to listen my hospital roomie (319B) leave the television on at full volume for SIX. FULL. DAYS. STRAIGHT. The Nanny at 3am anyone? Did you know they play the exact same episodes three hours later?? I didn't. Good thing I was stuck there so I could find out for you.
Things I learned in my hospital visit:
• I have excellent veins. Shoulda been a druggie.
• After a few days it gets easier to maneuver an IV stand into the bathroom.
• Pretty certain the hospital gown I was wearing was worn years ago when my mother was born at that hospital. My grandpa probably even wore that same exact robe when he went in to surgery. Those gowns are so classic that they've never felt the need to change them.
• Talk a lot and ask questions like -"oooh what is that thing?!" when they're prepping you for surgery. You'll probably get on their nerves and they'll knock you out faster. Worked for me.
• Do not leave your iPod two hundred miles away before entering a hospital for six days.
• Always shower. Hospital life is rough but you are not camping. You never know when an extremely hot EMT is going to wheel you down to have a CT scan and you do not want to look like you've been hit by a stolen station wagon and left to die. Damn. That was unfortunate.
• Do tell your best friend that you're in Sacramento so that she doesn't drive two hours to San Francisco to find that there is no Sutter Memorial Hospital there. You will be laughing when she calls you from San Francisco but eventually you'll feel guilt. And then you will begin laughing again in 23 seconds.
• FACT: Doctors do not believe that twenty four year old virgins exist. I am a modern day mystery.
roomies moving out, newbies moving in
Three moved out, two of which only moved a block away. So now I share my bathroom with a boy. And I gotta say, it's quite nice. Not to mention, when a boy moves in he brings all his toys. Toy. Television. Huge, massive, ginormous television. I could probably watch it from across the street without squinting. It's that big. Also, you can talk about things that past girl roommates didn't enjoy talking about. Like bathroom humor. Because really, everybody passes gas!
Woah, boy. Remember that kiss from last fall? Turns out that at that time neighbor had (and still has) a girlfriend. Well guess who found out about that kiss? Yeah. The girlfriend. And guess who got a text while laying in the hospital bed, asking if she and I "could talk?" Yep. That was fun. These are the days I'm glad for my innocence, glad I didn't even know what she was talking about when she asked if we did certain things together, glad I had no idea she had existed at the time, glad that I was not the one intentionally wronging another. But mostly I'm just glad that he moved out last week so I don't have to see his slimy self anymore.
And that's what you've missed.
Well, the major things at least.