I thought about what a waste 2009 was. I thought about how, for the first time in public, I wore my bright red lipstick. How I wore it and how it didn't wear me. And then I thought about how good that felt.
How good I felt about myself. And how much I wanted that feeling to continue.
I decided that in 2010 I would make an effort. An effort to have a touch more self confidence. To feel good about myself. To realize, that yes, I am beautiful. Maybe not the conventional beautiful. But to realize that conventional isn't really beautiful. That appreciating myself, for exactly who I am, is exactly the kind of beautiful I want to be.
4 in the morning is an excellent time for introspective thinking. More people should soul-search in the earliest of hours...the world would be a better place.
ReplyDeletehaha I totally agree
ReplyDeletei had a moment on new year's day around 4 in the morning, about 3 years ago, where a few things in life became very clear to me and i felt happiness, true happiness in a way i had never felt before, and have yet to experience again.
ReplyDeleteyou are beautiful. so beautiful. conventionally and not. and you deserve all the good things that life WANTS to bestow on you.
i have had several crap years in a row now. bad luck after bad luck. and i am ready to move on. to embrace confidence. to join forces with the amazing people in the world like you, and make a difference for myself and for others.
so that soon enough i'll get back to that happiness i felt on that night all those years ago.
i really like you courtney. you write and it makes sense to me. and i feel like we're living parallel lives in different parts of the country and maybe one day we'll meet and be friends.
sigh.
Meg, I wish with all of my heart that your happiness will come back. I know it will. My happiness seems to fade in and out, and I've really been struggling since that night to keep it up.
ReplyDeleteInsecurities suck, don't they?
And I know what you mean about crap years. Sometimes it feels like most every plan I make only goes up in flames, leaving me right were I started, like time keeps moving without me. At this point I've had so many plans that I've assigned them each to a letter in the alphabet. I think I'm on Plan G, or maybe H...
Thanks for being such a wonderful friend, Meg. You make life and everything that comes with it all the more tolerable.
first... yes, 2009, total crap year for me too!
ReplyDeletesecond... that red lipstick is a DO! you're crazy to believe that you're anything but gorgeous, Courtney!